A House of Report Cards

Hammer sent us the following warning:

This is our first report card run with the district's new system. It is possible there may be errors. Parents have been encouraged to look over the report card and have a conversation with their child about his or her grades. If they believe there is a mistake, then they are to e-mail that student's teacher.

Yeah, thanks for the heads up—a few things though. One, why did the district purchase a new system, if we ended up in the red last year? I would have gladly hand-written grades this year, so our librarians didn’t get screwed over. There would have been more F’s handed out than an autograph booth at an F. Murray Abraham convention! I kid.

Two, parents should always discuss their kid’s grades with their children—no matter what. It has nothing to do with us running E-portCard 2.0 or whatever this thing is.

Three, let me thank you ahead of time for crashing my e-mail. Every single parent is going to e-mail to ask that I investigate their kid’s grade. Now that’s not a bad thing, except when it will include the parents who I called last week to tell them that their kid failed (like I always do). And most of them I called during progress report time to tell them that their student was in danger of failing.

“But the man said it was wrong!”

The man was a woman, the associate principal, and she didn’t say that. Even if there was an error, it has nothing to do with the fact that Junior didn’t turn in six assignments.

Oh come on. I say the things you’re thinking.

Is it in poor taste to wear a t-shirt on Casual Friday tomorrow that says, For These Prices I’d Rather Be Sewing Nike Apparel? Not really—just venting.

A Poor Exchange Rate

I’m not sure that I was supposed to get a certain e-mail from the school district about hosting a foreign exchange student. I think it was just supposed to go out to parents. I hope that’s the case. I’d hate to think that this administration would like for the teachers to also house students as well as teach them. That’s like picking up people’s garbage all day and your manager handing you a bag and saying, “Why don’t you go ahead and take this home with you?”

Now wait, I’m not comparing America’s youth to garbage. There are just some occupations where separation is needed—and you feel like you need to be hosed down at the end of the day.

Rack ‘Em Up!

Though we don’t have that many bike riding students here at SLHS, there are still a few. Believe it or not they have become an issue. It turns out that these bi-wheeled commuters haven’t been locking up their rides. This has resulted not exactly in theft, but other students have been taking them—to joust one another.

You read that right—to joust.

Yes, there have been makeshift bouts consisting of tree branches and bicycles boarded with morons. Administrators have asked us to intervene if we come upon such behavior. They want me to go up against savages who have used their wits to arm themselves with vehicles for destruction. What is this? Mad Max? Tina Turner was right; we don’t need another hero.

I demand a recount (in my favor)!

Talk about your sour grapes--this lady really attacked this Dartmouth student who beat her out for the county treasurer position with the help of Facebook connected students at her school and Plymouth State University. The loser is upset that an unqualified student was placed into office by naive classmates who were easily persuaded.

Dude, she goes to Dartmouth and it's a part-time job. I'm mean if it was a kid from my 7th Period or something, then I'd be worried that they would invest the county money in slushies and earbud accessories. I'd feel okay about giving an Ivy Leaguer a shot. And don't give me that 'she brainwashed students' crap either with her Facebook ad. Like that only happens to college students. Do you know how many dumb-ass people in their 30's were saying Whassup? when that fad was going around?